Have you noticed the number of strange people wandering through shopping malls talking to themselves lately?
In the past, this kind of behaviour would have got you a lovely jacket with wrap-around sleeves, together with two strong orderlies to take you to a restful room with padded walls. Not these days; these days it’s just the over-caffeinated amongst us doing their weekend grocery shop while mumbling (or shouting) into their Bluetooth headsets.
This behaviour disturbs me as there is nothing worse than being distracted, while counting the calories in the confectionary aisle, by some woman shouting in your ear ‘I Hate That Woman!’, then whirling around to defend your honour or flee the premises, only to discover she’s complaining about her lousy neighbour.
Or even more demoralising: to have some deep, warm voice whisper behind you ‘oh, she’s hot’, then gracefully turn to your first potential date in decades, only to find some bloke drooling with his mates over Angelina Jolie. Yes, I know, it’s unlikely I’ll find my long lost soul-mate hidden in the frozen food aisle, but some of us are truly desperate, ok!
So I beg you, if you’re the type of person who bursts into flames when removed from technology for more than 30 seconds, please do your shopping online so the rest of us don’t think we’ve entered the nuthouse every time we try to buy a frozen quiche or find a bit of romance in the fresh food section.
Seriously though, if you’re looking for love in the local supermarket the frozen pea aisle is the safest place to start. At least these men eat their greens and are therefore regular.
Avoid the ones in the meat and dairy sections for the same reason – you know what happens when there’s a lack of fibre in the diet.
I used to like the stationery section but I soon discovered that’s where the writers lurk and they, like me, are verbally incoherent. After all writers like to write! A date goes something like this:
‘So you like to write?’ ‘Yes!’ End of conversation.
Leaving us to stare at each other over lukewarm bread rolls wishing we had brought our laptops and could simply email each other.
Just beware the men in the Health and Beauty aisles. If they are buying women’s perfume – run! (They obviously have a girlfriend or mistress) And if they’re holding a packet of extra large condoms you know you’re only going to be disappointed – so don’t bother. Just stick with the men in the frozen pea aisle and hope they own a microwave.